


The Great Lab 0 Road Trip

by depressednarcassist



Category: Skullgirls
Genre: 'brain drain went to the bathroom at a gas station and they ditched him 50 miles back', Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Gen, more like a wine aunt but yknow, this is completely ooc but i need it, valentine is a cool mom
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-06-11
Updated: 2019-06-11
Packaged: 2020-04-24 20:08:14
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,840
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19180504
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/depressednarcassist/pseuds/depressednarcassist
Summary: Lab 0 goes on a research trip that requires all 5 of them to attend. Nothing goes to plan, just as expected.





	The Great Lab 0 Road Trip

The vast, endless blue sky was barely freckled with clouds. It was a perfect day to be spent outside, the colors of nature seemed to pop out vibrantly while the sun shone. Painwheel watched this world speed by inside the sweaty confines of a shitty car, surrounded by the people she hated the most.

She was lucky, if you can call her that in this situation, to take one of the seats in the middle. The two experiments behind her were seated side by side, no barrier to buffer any arguments between the two. And there were plenty of arguments.

“I’M NOT TOUCHING YOU.”

“Valentine, Robofortune is touching me.”

“I’M NOT TOUCHING YOU.”

“Valentine do something she’s touching me!”

Painwheel sunk lower into her seat, though she couldn’t go very far.

“Stop touching Fukua.” Valentine sounded from the front passenger seat, though she was barely interested. She had the fine art of patience under her belt long before this shitty field trip, but today was pushing it.

Only days before, Brain Drain had announced that Lab 0 was moving.  
“Not permanently.” He added quickly, though nobody really cared enough to ask anyway. “This is a trip we all must attend. Think of it as a..bonding..exercise.” Even he cringed at that.  
“Under my guidance, everything should go according to plan. There are no flaws to this outing. It’s perfectly structured to get us to where we need to be and back again in the most efficient way possi-”

“ARE WE GOING TO THE ZOO.”

Robofortune raised her hand, but didn’t wait to interrupt Brain Drain. Everyone involved was a little thankful for this.  
Her creator just stared, his answer coming out slowly.

“..no.”

“NOOOOOO.”

Brain Drain tried to contain his sigh and continue. “Pack accordingly for-”

“PLAYING: VALENTINE’S DEPRESSION SPOTIFY PLAYLIST.”

“How did you get that.” Valentine mumbled under her breath, half annoyed and half genuinely shocked.

“DISAPPOINTMENT: IMMEASURABLE. “

“Why can’t we go to the zoo.” Painwheel piped up, red eyes coming to slits behind her mask. Normally she stayed out of anything that had to do with Brain Drain, she didn’t believe he deserved the satisfaction of one of his experiments speaking to him. But the mention of animals caught her interest. If she was going to be dragged along once again, she might as well fight to enjoy herself. 

Fukua just looked among the other 4 of them. “What’s a zoo?”

Brain Drain had to put his foot down before this got too out of hand. And it would, he knows that all too well. “Okay. Okay. Stop. Just- everyone stop talking.” He didn’t even try to mask the loud groan that came from him as he brought a hand to his face. “Very well. We will be..attending the zoo.”

Painwheel smiled. Robofortune cheered. Valentine’s reaction was an internal scream, knowing this trip would now take longer than they had planned for.  
Fukua just blinked.  
“No seriously guys what’s a zoo.”

Days ago, the idea of all 5 of them going to the zoo (and whatever stupid thing Brain Drain had planned for them) didn’t seem that bad at all. It wasn’t like their lab was known for being the most get together family friendly wacky roommates, and though none of them were looking forward to that being their change, a trip to the zoo was vastly different than what they usually did.  
No one seemed to remember to count the car ride there.

“Valentine.” Brain Drain instructed, not taking his eyes off of the road. “Go back there and separate the two.”

Val had absolutely NO interest in climbing into the backseat and pulling a robot cat off of a clone, but before she could protest Brain Drain snapped his head towards her.  
“That’s an order.”

The nurse glared. Without a word, she unbuckled herself and started to force her way towards the back of the car.

Painwheel didn’t realize what was happening until she saw Valentine start to crawl around like a gremlin. She raised an eyebrow, but soon the sight was causing laughter to bubble up in the back of her throat. The woman she feared for a good amount of time was now struggling not to hit her boobs on anything that might hurt while she forcefully pulled Robofortune’s hovering hand away from Fukua’s face, who was still screaming.  
She slapped a hand over her smiling mouth, knowing better than to laugh in any of their faces. Tears were welling at the sides of her eyes while she tried to contain herself.

Brain Drain did not have the same reaction.

“What’s taking so long?” He pressed, irritation gripping at his voice. “Just move Fukua to the middle seat!”

“Oh sure, I’ll do that, with all the wonderful amount of space we have in this car. It should be easy. Yes, right away sir.” Valentine didn’t stop the venomous amount of sarcasm dripping from her voice. On any other occasion she didn’t have the willpower to speak to her boss that way, but this was too much for her. It was hot, sweaty, cramped, and everyone was still yelling.

“I WANT THE WINDOW SEAT. MOVE, FUKUA. MOVE NOW.”

Fukua’s eyebrows lowered, her hands balling up into tight fists. “You HAVE a window by your seat, you stupid metal garfield!”

“But I actually like garfield.” Painwheel grumbled from in front of them, unheard between the arguing.

“I LIKE YOURS BETTER.” Robofortune placed both her hands on Fukua’s face, pulling at her skin. “ACTIVATING ANNOYANCE MODE. PERCENTAGE UNTIL FUKUA’S EXPLOSION: 45%.”

“Stop talking!” The clone spat back, swatting the hands on her face away with ease. This caused a sissy fight between the two of them, going back and forth until one of Robofortune’s hands flew out of control and landed right on Valentine’s face, who was still trying to separate them.

Everyone in the car stopped as soon as they heard Valentine get smacked. Both robot and clone slowly turned to stare at her, then shrank down in front of her rage.  
Valentine’s cold anger was scarier than any outburst she could have had. She loomed over both of them, face terrifyingly serious. She grabbed a hold of both Robofortune and Fukua’s wrists.

“Enough.”

And that was enough for them to shut up.

The rest of the car ride was uneventful, but no one minded. Painwheel stared out the window, thinking about what she might see at the zoo. Fukua made Robofortune look up the definition of a zoo for her. Normally she would have denied her request, but after the Valentine incident, they mutually agreed to get along a little better. For now.  
Valentine had long returned to her seat next to Brain Drain, who didn’t have the nerve to reprimand her for her attitude with him earlier. A good choice on his part, she thought.

Eventually the car started to slow down, and all 4 of them perked up. What they reached wasn’t the zoo, however.  
Valentine took one look at the flashing Motel sign.

“You have got to be joking me.” She turned to Brain Drain when he didn’t respond. “No, seriously. This has to be a joke. You can’t possibly expect us to stay here.”

Fukua scratched her head. “Is this a zoo?”

“No.” Painwheel frowned, just as upset as Valentine, if not more.

Brain Drain parked the car despite their objections. “It’s getting late. I don’t feel like driving anymore.”

“So let me drive!” Valentine protested, exasperation obvious in her tone.

“Hm. No.”

Brain Drain unbuckled himself without another word, leaving Valentine shocked and angry beyond words.

Painwheel was the second one out of the car. There was no denying that the idea of having a slumber party with these goons was the last thing she wanted or expected out of this road trip, but she did need to stretch. It felt nice to be out of the car and into the fresh air she missed so much. She took a nice, deep breath in through her nostrils. Seconds later, her face twisted up in disgust.  
“What..is that.” Painwheel held a hand over her mouth, unaware of the movement behind her.

“MEPHITIS MEPHITIS.” Robofortune stepped up next to the girl, who stared at her with a withering expression. “ALSO KNOWN COMMONLY TO YOU HUMANS AS A SKUNK.”

Fukua took a look around, one hand on her hip. Robofortune continued.

“DID YOU KNOW THAT SKUNKS ARE REPULSED BY THEIR OWN ODER? IT WILL NOT SPRAY IN THEIR OWN DEN OR IN CONFINED SPACES.”

“I don’t blame them. This place stinks, literally!” Fukua pouted, then turned to Painwheel. “You like animals, don’t you? Go find the skunk and commune with them, then tell them to buzz off!”

Painwheel just stared.  
“You think I can..talk to animals.”

“Commune. Commune with animals.”

Robofortune nodded. “THERE IS A DIFFERENCE.”

“I mean,” Fukua checked on her well painted nails, digging out any dirt underneath them and flicking it to the side. “You talk to Robofortune, don’t you?”

Painwheel was still stunned by the lack of brains this clone possessed. No, not brains. Fukua was plenty smart. It was common sense she was missing.  
No no, not even common sense. Painwheel was just now realized that Fukua was so detached from actual humans and anything outside of lab 0 that she can somehow conjure up this hogwash, and then say it, confidently.  
“Literally EVERYONE talks to Robofortune!” Her arms extend from her while she spoke, emphasizing her exhaustion with Fukua.

Fukua shrugged. “No I don’t.”

“Yes! You do!”

“No, we argue.”

“THERE IS A DIFFERENCE.” Robofortune repeated.

Painwheel decided she was done with the two before she could get any angrier. She learned quickly from experience that wouldn’t be good for anyone.  
Then again, she hated everyone here. But for her own sake, she walked away from the two.  
With nothing better to do, she found herself approaching Brain Drain, He stood inside the motel’s office, if it could even be called that. It was so tiny, there was barely enough room for the two of them and the person behind the desk, who was just starting to hand Brain Drain room keys before they noticed Painwheel walking inside.

“Is this your daughter?” They cooed, eyes focused on Painwheel so intensely it made her uncomfortable to look directly at her face.

Brain Drain didn’t seem to notice. “She’s my experiment. I’m sure you’re familiar with Anti Skullgirls labs, yes?”

“Um, I can’t say I am..”

Painwheel started to back out once again. This was going to take awhile, and she didn’t have the patience to sit in on Brain Drain’s ego trip. She left the poor employee at the hands of her director’s monologuing, stepping back out into the hot summer air.  
She was running out of options. Robofortune and Fukua were testing her nerves, Brain Drain wasn’t even in the question. Her eyes inevitably float back to Valentine, who was still in the car.

The nurse was slumped over, forehead on the dashboard. She wasn’t mentally prepared to stand in front of the motel. Just a few precious moments inside the car she hated so much, that’s all she asked for.  
Thoughts swirled and invaded her mind to the point of a headache. Bed bugs. Warm toilet seats. Showers with water not warm enough to be considered hot but not cold enough to be considered cold so it’s stuck in that weird lukewarm spot that nobody enjoys. All of this and more, it caused unnecessary stress on Valentine’s already stressful life.  
She finally sat up, heaving a sigh while she leaned into the uncomfortable seat she had spent too much time in. Despite this, she still wasn’t ready to leave the car and face reality. She fished her phone out of her pocket, turning it on and taking a moment to stare at her lockscreen. 

“Why is the princess on your phone?”

Valentine almost screamed. Her head whipped around, only to be face to face with Painwheel leaning over the window.

“Wh- How did you manage to sneak up on me?” She sneered, peeved that her privacy was invaded.

“I learned a thing or two.” Painwheel shot back with a scowl.

“Fair.”

“Are you going to answer my question?” The girl continued, darting back to the phone in Valentine’s hand. “Why is Parasoul your lockscreen?”

The nurse chuckled humorlessly, but nervously. “She’s NOT.” She insisted, unlocking her phone to change the subject away from her lockscreen. Which of course, would only put her in deeper water.

“Why is your homescreen Beowulf???”

“IT ISN’T.”

Valentine scrambled to compose herself. She shut off her phone entirely, clearing her throat a couple times. She was well aware she was sweating, but that could easily be blamed by the weather.

“I mean- it isn’t. It’s not. Don’t you have anything better to do?”

“Wish I did.” Painwheel frowned, staring at her hands. “I’ve never stayed in a motel, and now I have to do it with the people I’ve grown to hate.”

“Hey, don’t sound so excited.”

Painwheel didn’t seem to pick up on Valentine’s sarcasm. She stared, confused and questioning her intelligence.

“I’m not.”

“I was-”

“Do I sound excited?”

“No. I meant-”

“Because I just said I hated you all.”

“Okay!” Valentine put her hands up. “Alright! Listen, I’m pretty sure we all feel the same as you right now.”

Painwheel squinted her eyes. “But you just said-”

“I KNOW what I said, okay? Christ. This isn’t up to us though. Let’s just..make the most out of it.” Even Valentine knew that sounded hopeless. She sighs, and Painwheel backed up so she could get out of the car’s front seat.  
She stood up, looking down at Painwheel with the one eye she had.  
Brain Drain had instructed all of them to dress accordingly for their outing. Upon realizing neither Fukua nor Painwheel had clothes outside of what the lab provided them, he went on a mandatory shopping trip with Valentine at his side. At the time she thought it was ridiculous, and it was, especially with all his nagging about how he understood fashion better than she ever could (yeah, right). But looking at Painwheel without her mask or the blades that were supposed to be attached to her back, she never realized how young she really was. Not to mention she seemed relatively happy to be out of her usual outfit and into the yellow sundress they bought her. And her whole interest in the zoo..  
Guilt started to creep down Valentine’s spine, she had to look away.  
“Hey,” the nurse coughed. “Looks like Brain Pain is done harassing the staff.”

Painwheel looked around Valentine to find that Brain Drain was in fact finally walking outside. Relief settled through her body, she was getting pretty tired of awkwardly standing around Valentine from a lack of better things to do. I mean, this really is a new low for her.

Fukua and Robofortune of course had to race each other to grab their keys. Fukua was focused on rooming alone, and Robo really couldn’t care who she was with she just wanted to prove her robotic dominance as the superior clone. 

“You’re not rooming together. Do you really think I’m as stupid as Valentine to put you two together again?”

“Ahem.” Valentine tapped her foot behind her boss.

“ROAST ACHIEVEMENT STATUS: UNLOCKED.”

“Oh good, that’s still working.” Brain Drain hummed with satisfaction while handing out room keys. The 5 of them approached the Motel rooms together. “Painwheel, you’re with Robofortune. Fukua has her own room.”

Painwheel couldn’t complain much. Fukua was beyond happy, however.  
“You hear that, tin can?” She taunted the robot standing next to her. “I get a bathroom all to myself!”

“I HAVE NO USE FOR A BATHED ROOM.”

“..Right. But I get my own bed too!”

“I HAVE NO USE FOR A BED.”

“Ugh! Can’t you admit I beat you, for once!?”

Robofortune’s head swiveled so she could face Fukua. “NO.”

The clone could only groan and storm off to her room. Robofortune did the same, in a much more satisfied manner. Painwheel, who was standing between the two of them, could only watch and then let out a sigh. She was a stranger to none of this, and yet it exhausted her more than usual. 

Brain Drain turned to Valentine, extending the final key to her.

“So. There’s only one room left.”

“..ok.”

“And. There’s only one bed-”

“Sleep on the floor.” Valentine snatched the key from his hand, unlocked the door, and slammed it shut behind her without another word.

Brain Drain stood in front of his motel room without much of a reaction on his lack of his face. He was enraged by Valentine’s attitude towards him, but he has half the brain to know that it maybe might have possibly been his fault that he got them into this mess.  
‘But I’m still not sleeping on the floor.” He thought to himself.

And then he did.


End file.
